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Dark confessions of an almost shattered mind

The random thoughts and musings of Kitty Burke. Continue at your own risk.

Kitty Burke
13 September 1982
There are times when I look for him, knowing full well that he won’t be there. But to me, there is always the chance, always the possibility that when I turn a corner, he’ll be standing there. I’ll see him and it would be as if my world has never splintered - the cracks will fade, the distressed fractures will vanish, the threat of shattering gone. It is a bittersweet reflex for me to search for him, regardless of the fact that I know he won’t be there, and that when I don’t find him my existence seems so insignificant. Yet with the natural inclination that comes when looking for something lost, I continue on - always hoping, always seeking.

There are times when I expect to hear his voice in answer to a question I’ve asked, or a comment I’ve made. I would go deaf to those around me, wanting only to hear his cadenced laugh and the way he says my name in a sweet caress. But the way he says those three little words that I have been longing all my life to hear makes my heart skip a beat and touches my heart and soul in ways I’ve never experienced or thought possible, stirring a response so transcendental that I’m not even sure how to react.

I think of when I will finally have the chance to touch him, my world seems to pause as if it holds it's breath in total appreciation and reverence for what I will experience. I cannot get enough of him ... even with my entire life stretching ahead of me, it doesn't seem to hold enough time for me to simply enjoy the presence of him. I will never be able to take a fulfilling amount of those things, and so much more, in this lifetime, no matter how many opportunities I seize. My need will never be satisfied, my desire never quenched and this man who has so effortlessly captivated me has managed to take both my heart and soul with so little difficulty.